There has been a lot of information coming out for quite some time now around the idea of “good enough” parenting. And it seems to have become quite widely accepted. To the point that even some child protection agencies are using that as their baseline for determining whether being in the care of a particular parent causes more harm than good.
I do believe that the ideology around “good enough” parenting is well intentioned. It targets stressed out parents, holding themselves to unattainable and unrealistic standards on how they should be parenting their kids. Parents who are in anxious knots over the slightest misstep or show of anger or displeasure towards their kids. Parents who are drowning themselves in all of the numerous parenting approaches, strategies and theories just trying to find the right one to ensure they can raise resilient, strong, successful, happy children. Really any parent with the slightest conscious awareness of the importance of their role as the parent in a child’s life. It is meant, I believe, to help take the pressure off. Let parents cut themselves some slack and give themselves some grace.
In these circumstances, introducing the idea of good enough parenting is beneficial. Instead of parents holding themselves to a completely unrealistic standard of perfection, (which in turn can become self-sabotaging) they could now aim for a much more realistic standard which includes making mistakes, trying again and moving on. All good things.
My unease with this term then, is in situations where a parent may find themselves co-parenting with a high-conflict or maladaptive co-parent. Or as I like to call it, single-parenting with a maladaptive other parent.
I fear that the idea of being a “good enough” parent has become so widely accepted that it has now become the baseline from which parents gauge their own parenting in ANY circumstance.
And while “good enough” parenting might in fact be “good enough” in a family dynamic with two healthy parents or caregivers, where parents prioritize their children’s needs, where the children have a stable and predictable environment, and have not experienced either “big T” or “small t” traumas; it is most certainly NOT good enough in high-conflict separation and divorce situations, when the other parent has a maladaptive parenting approach, or when spending time with the other parent causes the children more harm than good.
In these situations, the non-maladaptive, concerned parent unfortunately DOES NOT have the luxury of leaning into the ideology of “good enough” parenting.
Fair? Absolutely NOT. Nothing about this is fair. On top of everything else that the non-maladaptive, concerned parent has gone through themselves – a high-conflict separation or divorce, potential abuse during the relationship and post-separation, having been threatened, undermined, dismissed, invalidated – now also NOT being able to take the pressure off themselves in the parenting arena is anything BUT fair.
But this is the reality. And the sooner you can come to terms with this, the sooner you can be proactive in not only focusing on your own healing and growth, but in finding strategies and approaches that can help in better supporting your children through their own challenging times.
Because the reality of the situation is, although you may have 50/50 custody – this is NOT 50/50 parenting. In order to support the children involved in the way that they will need to be supported, the concerned parent will now have to considerably “over-parent” while the maladaptive parent considerably “under-parents”.
Research shows that children brought up experiencing maladaptive parenting approaches can grow up with low-self-worth and low-self-esteem, and with a higher risk of depression, anxiety, self-harm, and suicide. When you have a child coming back to you from having spent time in a potentially emotionally and psychologically neglectful and/or abusive environment, “good enough” parenting just won’t cut it.
These children need to be welcomed back into a safe, secure, consistent, predictable environment. An environment where there is room for their emotions, for their outbursts, where they are free to be themselves. Where they are seen, heard, validated, know that their opinions matter, and that they are important and loved.
An environment that is based in relationship, connection and attachment, and in knowing that no matter what they say or do, this parent will always love and be there for them.
Easy to do? Nope! Not by a long shot. But just like all the other parents, if you want to give your children a chance to grow up to be strong, successful, confident and happy, then from where I’m standing there’s really not much of a choice.
After all, these children didn’t choose to be in the situation they are in. They didn’t choose to have a maladaptive parent. But that is what they face.
Yet this isn’t about undermining the maladaptive parent. It’s not about pointing fingers, or constantly trying to “undo” what the other parent is doing or about parenting reactively. It’s about parenting pro-actively. It’s about recognizing and coming to terms with the other parent’s capacity (or lack thereof) to meet the needs of the children, and then making a conscious decision to do what you need to fill the gaps. It’s about YOUR relationship with your children and being the kind of parent they need you to be. The maladaptive co-parent has no place in that.
“Parent the child you have. Not the child you wished for”. This has become somewhat of a mantra within the parenting community. I would offer a slightly different angle: "Parent the child you have, and for the situation that they have found themselves to be in”.
The non-maladaptive parent will need to parent differently. It's important to recognize that these children are in a less than optimal environment for a period of time, and be responsive to that. It's important to know what these children are not receiving at the other parent’s house so you can effectively fill (and overfill) the gaps. You might be accused of hyper-focusing on your children or prioritizing them and their needs too much. You might be judged by others for your hyper-vigilance around your children’s feelings and being excessively hyper-responsive to their emotions and behaviors. You might be accused of overall, just being too much. And I hope you are.
Because if you are, then maybe….just maybe you might be doing enough of what it takes to mitigate the harm being done by the maladaptive parent. And maybe then, that might just be good enough.
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