*Written by guest author, Dr. Annette Athy*
Like all of us, our kids just want to feel loved and like they belong. As a former counselor and
current grief coach, I often see kids who are caught in the crossfire of high-conflict parenting.
They do not necessarily grieve the divorce itself—in some cases, they may feel relief that daily fights are no longer happening in the home. What they are grieving is something different: the loss of the ease, stability, and comfort they once knew. Their lives have shifted, and they are left wondering how they fit in this new family dynamic.
The Struggle to Belong
Children want to blend in and feel like their lives resemble those of their friends. Divorce,
however, can make this difficult. A simple change, like needing different clothes at each house, can create moments of embarrassment or discomfort. At one parent’s home, they might have clothes that fit perfectly, but at the other, no one notices that their jeans are now three inches too short. Suddenly, they are facing teasing at school over something they never had to think about before.
Even routine things like school forms, parent-teacher conferences, doctor’s appointments, and simple requests for help can be a reminder of division. When kids feel like their parents can not even sit in the same room together, it is isolating. They might start to feel like they are living two separate lives, which can be confusing and emotionally draining.
When Words Hurt More Than We Realize
Kids are perceptive. They hear the tension and understand more than we might think.
Comments like, “You’re acting just like your father,” or “You have your mother’s attitude,” can deeply affect them. Children understand the discord between their parents, and these remarks make them feel as if one parent dislikes parts of who they are. Remember, they are a blend of both of you. When we criticize aspects of their other parent, it can leave them feeling like they have to change or hide parts of themselves to be loved.
Kids Blame Themselves, Even When We Don’t Intend It
Despite our best efforts, kids often feel they are somehow to blame for the separation. They are naturally ego-centric, which makes them prone to believing that their behavior is the reason things fell apart. No matter how many times we tell them, “It’s not your fault,” they may still secretly believe that if they behaved better or were less difficult, the outcome might be different.
Kids Grieve Different Losses Than Adults Do
As parents, we often grieve the long-term: missed family moments, upcoming holidays,
graduations, weddings, and other life milestones we dreamed of sharing as a family. Kids, on
the other hand, experience losses much closer to home. They are grieving changes in their daily routines, small things like no longer having mom make their lunch every day, or dad not knowing how to help with their hair. They miss the easy, everyday presence of both parents.
Divorce creates a “split” life where children do not feel fully settled in either home. They are
constantly moving and adjusting. Often they are not permitted to bring their favorite things back and forth between houses. They may feel like guests in both homes, rather than truly belonging in either. This lack of stability can feel like they are trapped in a constant state of transition, with no real chance to settle.
The Mental Load of a Divided Life
Beyond the day-to-day adjustments, kids in high-conflict parenting situations are always
worried. They worry about what they are missing when they are not with one parent, or that they are betraying the other parent by having fun. They worry that the parent they are not with is lonely or sad, and this keeps them from being able to relax. No matter where they are, they feel on guard, looking out for both parents' emotions.
Grieving the Loss of Stability, Ease, and Familiarity
Divorce can impact a child’s sense of safety and stability. They might have to say goodbye to
pets, move to a different neighborhood, or adjust to sharing a room. They have to learn different rules at each home, from “finish everything on your plate” with one parent to “take a no-thank-you bite” with the other. All these differences remind them of the loss of the familiar, the predictable life they once knew.
Repairing Our Relationships After Mistakes
The pressure on parents in high-conflict situations can lead to moments where we say or do
things we later regret. Dr. Garry Landreth reminds us, “What’s most important may not be what you do, but what you do after what you did.” Mistakes are part of being human, and showing our kids that we can apologize, learn, and try to do better is one of the best gifts we can give them.
It models resilience, humility, and the importance of mending relationships after tough moments. When we accept responsibility for our mistakes and make amends, we help our kids see that they, too, can face and heal from difficult moments without needing to be perfect.
Takeaway for Parents in High-Conflict Situations
Let’s be mindful of the grief our kids are carrying—not necessarily the loss of the marriage, but the daily adjustments, the sense of missing out, and the struggle to feel settled. And let us remember that we can help our kids feel safe, loved, and whole, even amid a challenging time.
Remember, your child is resilient, and together, we can help them feel safe, loved, and like they belong.
Dr. Annette Athy, a grief specialist and child development expert, has dedicated over 20 years to the mental health field, working with children and families.
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