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Why Children seem to Align with the Maladaptive Parent - A Developmental Perspective

Writer's picture: AJ GajjarAJ Gajjar

Many parents who find themselves in a high-conflict divorce situation, often fear that their children will “take sides” with the maladaptive parent.


They experience children coming home from time with the maladaptive parent extremely angry and confused about what they have heard said about the healthy parent.


Lies, manipulations, half-truths.


All spun in a way to simultaneously make the maladaptive parent look good, and the healthy parent look bad.    

         

“Mommy doesn’t love you like I do”.


“Mommy doesn’t have enough time for you”.


“I’m so sorry to have to tell you this, but mommy has lied to you your entire life”.


This doesn’t have to be a formal, sit down conversation. It’s small comments like this made consistently over time that starts to create doubt in the mind of the child.


Before we go any further let me overtly clarify one thing…


Your child instinctually KNOWS who the safe parent is.


Your child instinctually KNOWS that the things the maladaptive parent is saying are lies.


But here’s the thing…


Your child is living in survival mode when they are with the maladaptive parent, and their brains’ only function when they are in that space is to keep them safe and protected from further harm.


Their brain will do whatever it needs to in order to stay safe – even believe the lies of the maladaptive parent.


Why? Because it’s safer. And less painful.


Children are egocentric, and believe that if someone is treating them poorly then it’s their fault and they somehow must deserve it.


When the person causing them harm is their own parent, it adds another layer of complexity.


They struggle with a mental tug-of-war of sorts.


I must attach to my parent in order to survive. My parent will keep me safe. If I don’t attach to my parent, I will not survive. But my parent who is supposed to keep me safe is now hurting me. But I must attach to my parent in order to survive.

 

Children subconsciously know on a biological, instinctual level that their parent is supposed to keep them safe, secure and away from harm. It’s someone they must attach to in order to survive. They cannot believe that a parent would ever hurt their children. So if they are being hurt, then there must be something wrong with them, they must be doing something wrong - not the parent.


Internalizing that belief is extremely painful and induces an incredible amount of shame.


Hence, when they hear that the healthy parent has been and is lying to them, they get the opportunity to rationalize the behavior of the harmful parent, and externalize the blame for how they are being treated.


It is less painful for them to believe that a parent is lying to them, and made them believe one parent is hurting them, than it is for them to believe they are being hurt because of something inherently wrong with them.


Externalizing the blame is easier than internalizing the shame.


And since the brains’ primary job is to protect the child from pain, including emotional pain, it has done its job well.


Simultaneously, believing the maladaptive parent helps alleviate something called Cognitive Dissonance.


Cognitive Dissonance is the internal discomfort that is caused from holding two opposing thoughts at the same time. Something that developmentally, children are not able to do.


Thought #1: I love my parent.


Thought #2: My parent is hurting me.


Children are not capable of believing that both things can be true at the same time.


Hence believing the maladaptive parent helps alleviate the discomfort and confusion they feel.


Now, thought #1 is I Love my parent, and thought #2 becomes my parent is NOT hurting me.


Their world finally makes sense again.


Understanding why children sometimes align with the harmful parent can be helpful in processing your own feelings around it when it happens.


Does it take the pain of hearing horrible things said by your children away?


Not even a little bit.


But understanding the developmental mechanisms as to why this is happening can give you increased awareness and compassion for their experience.

 

Because at the end of the day their behavior, actually has very little to do with you, but everything to do with their own survival.

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