The holidays are hard. The first holiday without the other parent in the picture is even more difficult.
To be quite frank, I can tell you that I don’t remember much at all from my first Christmas as a single parent. I don’t remember Christmas Eve or Christmas morning. What I do remember is feeling broken and empty, and desperately trying to put on a brave, happy face for my daughter. Based on the few pictures I have seen of Christmas morning and how happy my daughter looks, I must have done a decent job.
I’m here to tell you that the holidays get better. They truly do. Based on where you may be on your own journey, you may not believe that, but trust me, they do get better. You will slowly move from a place of dreading the holidays and being hyper-sensitive to triggers, to actually looking forward to them again.
I have learned how to manage and enjoy the holidays and I am hoping, the things that I have learned (or and many things I once did wrong) can help you, through what can be an emotionally exhausting time.
Be Aware of Potential Triggers
Try and be aware of potential triggers that may come your way. There will inevitably be other triggers that blindside you, but at least not as many if you’ve consciously taken the time to anticipate what might come up for you. I recommend having a therapy / counselling / coaching session close to the upcoming holidays, and then also have one booked for as soon as possible after the holidays to decompress and reflect.
Schedule time to sit with your emotions
Plan to give yourself time to sit with the sadness and the grief that may come up during this time. You may already know and recognize that the other parent is unhealthy and/or disordered. That doesn’t mean you won’t feel sadness over the fact that they are not present for your children, and you are not enjoying the holidays together.
I compared every minute to Christmases past – ones that were celebrated as a family. Give yourself the time and space you need to process these emotions. I now wake up an hour before everyone else, enjoy my morning coffee by myself, and set intentions for the day. I also stay up later than everyone else to reflect on the day, decompress and mentally prepare myself for the next.
Focus on YOU
The one thing I can stress to you more than any other, is to Focus on YOU! And your children. Do what you want to do. Do what they want to do. Make new traditions that will be just for you and your children. This is your opportunity to celebrate the holidays in a way that you want to, without having to have anyone else agree to it!
Don’t overschedule yourself
Staying busy may seem like the right thing to do, but be cautious of this. Emotions will be running high for both you and your children. They will get tired, and so will you. Try and be flexible with your activities and schedules. Take your children’s lead. If they don’t want to do an activity but would rather just relax on the sofa and watch a Christmas movie, let them. It’s ok to cancel plans and not follow through on everything you might have committed to.
Pick your Battles
This is likely something that you are doing already. During the holidays however, it’s easy to lose sight of how important this is. And also easy to attribute much more significance to something than it really deserves. If you have a Separation Agreement in place, that clearly outlines holiday transitions and times, hopefully not too much of that should be a battle. If not, then I suggest taking a step back, and putting things in perspective. Take the time to recognize whether what you are fighting for is really that important or not.
I remember being obsessed with the fact that my daughter HAD to spend Christmas morning with me. There were no exceptions to that. And now when I look back, the time and energy I wasted on obsessing over that really did nothing except take even more time away from me. Remember, your kids likely won’t remember whether it was December 24, 25 or 26 the morning that they open their gifts with you. What they will remember is the memories that you make.
Breathe!!
Above all else…..BREATHE!! Be kind to yourself, and cut yourself a lot of slack. This holiday will be hard. And it doesn’t have to be perfect. Just remember to take the time to breathe. If that means sneaking away into the bathroom for 5 minutes to shed a few tears, breathe, and recompose yourself, then that’s what this is. You will get through it. And your kids will too.
At the end of it all, whether your Christmas played out just as you’d hoped, or you barely clawed yourself through, guess what? It only gets better from here.
Regardless of where you all are on your journeys, I wish that you all find wonderful moments during this time. And I hope that you are able to see a glimmer of hope, or even just the faint sparkle of a silver lining in the midst of the darkness.
Wishing you all Presence and Peace during this Holiday Season!
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