Last week I was listening to a podcast on how to Co-Parent in High-Conflict. (Spoiler alert: You can’t!)
But then I realized that there is such a vast amount of information out there, about all the things that one shouldn’t do when trying to communicate or co-parent with a high-conflict individual. All very relevant and important information to have. But then what? Now that you have read all the articles and blogs, and listened to all the podcasts, you’ve become an expert in what NOT to do. But then what is it that you SHOULD DO instead?
Well I’m here to tackle that. Here are my top 3 tips on communicating effectively through email with a high-conflict co-parent. I will be limiting my tips to email, as I believe that email is the only way to effectively communicate with the other parent. If you haven’t yet, I would encourage you to stop or minimize all communication through text or phone calls, unless for emergency purposes.
Ok, so it’s transition day for your kiddos. They go to the other parent’s house today. You get home from work and get a 3-page email about the clothes your kids are wearing, why they brought so many stuffed toys, how the scab on their leg is 10x worse than last time, and how the jacket they are wearing is completely inappropriate for the weather.
Your response?
Well for one, you could try and counter each point they made and explain to them, what your decision-making process was for some things, and how for other things you let your children decide for themselves (like how many stuffies they wanted to take).
Be prepared for a 5-page email response to that, which will then have you going around in round-robin, argumentative emails for the next month!
Option 2? You read the email, pick out each question that directly refers to the health, safety and well-being of your children and you answer those questions, and those questions only.
You do not respond to comments, you don’t justify yourself or your decisions, and you don’t comment on anything that is not a direct question. (I often refer to Dr. Ramani Durvasula’s “DEEP” technique. Do not Defend, Engage, Explain, or Personalize).
The result? You get a one-line email in return that says “Thank you” and it’s the end of the conversation. You can now move on with the rest of your week.
How does that sound? Impossible? Too good to be true? Well I assure you it’s not. It takes some time, practice and consistency, but you can get there!
How you may ask?
By following these 3 steps:
1) Take your Time
If at all possible, take your time to respond. At least 24 hours if you can. Or if you have a Separation Agreement in place, then refer to the timeline outlined in that agreement. This will give you time to decompress if you’ve been triggered, and then you can respond in an unemotional way. Sometimes the subject matter might require a quicker response than waiting 24 hours, and that is ok. In that case, skip to step 2.
2) Keep it Fact based and brief
Read through the email again to see which questions you truly need to respond to. Again, only questions that relate to the health, safety and welfare of the children need to be answered. (Or any other questions as outlined within your agreement).
Keep your responses fact based and brief and try to keep your own opinions or perspectives out of it. High-conflict co-parents love to argue and will jump at the chance to criticize your opinion or judgement. They may also argue with facts, but at least you have a better chance of minimizing an argumentative response when you have only offered facts.
3) Be Intentional
Be intentional with your response. Answer the questions that require a response, and try not to offer any additional information or over-share. Also, if you need a response from them, try to eliminate any areas of “grey” if you can.
Your agreement may give you both a 24 or 48 hour timeframe to respond to all emails relating to the children, but don’t expect the other parent to automatically adhere to that. (The rules don’t apply to them remember?!)
You can anticipate the timeline in which they should respond, and at the end of the email put a very polite “I would appreciate a response to this email by 5pm on Monday January 3”. Or something to that effect. That eliminates you from guessing and second guessing when you will actually receive a response to your email – if at all. (Also helpful for documentation purposes!)
An additional step you can take to ensure that all your responses are in fact unemotional, fact based and intentional, is to write out a response and save it in your drafts for a couple of hours. That way you can always go back and edit the wording if I need to.
Writing emails in this way is different and takes time to master. Expect a rise from the other parent also. Their emotions and behaviors tend to escalate before they taper off. The key is consistency.
As long as you start responding in a consistent manner with a consistent approach, eventually they will stop fighting it. They may not like it and you may still get 3-page emails, but you now only need to respond with 3 sentences.
Try to remember that the purpose of implementing this approach is not to be rude or dismissive. But to de-escalate conflict, which is hands down in the best interest of your children.
Ultimately, this should save you immense amounts of time and energy. Both things that you can redirect into what matters most – Your kiddos! 🤍
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