“WHY is co-parenting with a high-conflict other parent SO different from amicable co-parenting?”
“WHY does it have to be SO HARD?”
I get these questions a lot from clients.
I get it. It IS hard. And it’s hard for a multitude of reasons.
The primary reason I tell protective parents it’s hard is because both you and the high-conflict / maladaptive parent are operating from fundamentally different baselines.
You will be operating from a lens of “what is in my child’s best interest?”
They will be operating from a lens of “what is in MY best interest?” MY best interest, today, tomorrow, and always.
This will make it almost impossible for you to see eye to eye on anything relating to the children (or otherwise).
And also extremely unlikely that you will understand their perspective.
“WHY does it feel like it’s ALWAYS ME that has to make decisions and choices that are right for my kid when the other parent just does whatever they want whenever they want? It’s SO unfair!”
I agree. There is nothing fair about this.
But here’s the reality. In order for you to move forward, consistently operating in the best interest of your children, it is important to recognize one thing – the high-conflict / maladaptive parent has NO CAPACITY to do anything different.
They just don’t know how.
Now ideally, the next step could be educating them around the benefits of healthy co-parenting, and how minimizing conflict is in the best interest of the children. Providing positive parenting approaches and tools that work for your kiddos, and maybe even taking co-parenting classes together.
All things that would benefit the children. (And all things you’ve likely had recommended to you by professionals).
But here’s why that approach isn’t going to work – high-conflict personalities are extremely persistent, consistent, rigid and resistant to change. They believe what they are doing is right and they know better than anyone else.
You or any authority out there – lawyers, therapists, parenting coordinators, parenting experts – are not going to be able to prove them otherwise.
They have a skewed worldview of being better and knowing better than anyone else. A worldview which has served them very well over the years. And not one that will be changing any time soon.
That is why having one parent, the protective parent, operate from and make decisions from the perspective of “what is in my child’s best interest” is really all these children have. And why it is crucial for this parent to consistently show up to the best of their own capacity to do so.
Because the other parent just can’t.
I am aware of a few different schools of thought on whether the maladaptive parent’s behavior is intentional or not, whether they are aware of the damage they care causing or not – but that will be something I address at another time.
For now let me make abundantly clear that recognizing and accepting that the other parent does not have the capacity to do differently, does NOT in any way absolve or excuse their behavior, or the damage it is causing the children. Not in the least.
But what happens to our kids if we start operating from a lens of “I won’t agree to that because I asked that before and the other parent wouldn’t agree to it when I asked!”
What happens when you make it about yourself because of the unfairness of it all - reacting (instead of responding) based on what the other parent did or didn’t do in the past, or might or might not do in the future?
Now neither parent is looking our for the best interest of the child.
Well only one thing happens then – the children lose.
And the children will continue to lose.
Every Single Time.
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