“Narcissists are the scum of the earth”.
“Narcissists are the Devil”.
“They are Evil”.
“They are the relentless predator, picking out the weakest prey in the herd and attacking with no remorse”.
I can’t tell you how many times I have read and heard narcissists being referred to in this manner.
Are those that use this language justified in referring to narcissists like this, based on their own experience either personal or professional? Yes. I believe they are.
Is it helpful to hear, for those of you who have been on the receiving end of atrocious and unthinkable behavior from a narcissist in your lives? Yes. I believe it is.
The thing however, is that while it may be useful for you as an adult, it is not useful for your children.
The use of such angry and emotionally charged language uses energy. Significant amounts of energy.
So here’s the challenge – how do you shift the narrative so that you no longer expend your energy on negative, emotionally charged language against the narcissist?
How do you reframe that messaging for your children who are dealing with a maladaptive parent?
You, as the healthy parent cannot tell your children that the other parent is evil, wicked, or just an all-around horrible human being.
You cannot tell them, that the other parent is damaged and broken beyond repair, and that this is just what they are going to have to learn to live with.
Your job as the healthy parent, is to preserve every ounce of energy that you have to be able to care for, be present, and support your children through the processing and unraveling of their emotions when they return home to you.
It’s to provide your children with the calm, stable, and predictable environment for them to feel safe in and rest in when they return home to you. All of which requires immense amounts of energy.
So why would you waste even the smallest amounts of energy on anger and negative emotions towards the narcissistic parent?
Don't get me wrong - there are times where you will get angry. And that's ok.
There are also times however, where you may be able to choose to do something different.
What I believe you can do instead, is try to have some compassion for the other parent.
Now this may sound completely incomprehensible to you…but hear me out.
You can try to remember that the other parent has become what they are due to their own childhood trauma and enduring a level of psychological and emotional pain that they couldn’t bear. They became narcissistic, as an extreme defense mechanism.
Narcissists are stunted in their emotional and psychological development. Depending on who you ask, they seem to be stuck anywhere between 8-12 years of age. You cannot expect someone who is essentially a child themselves, to put the needs of another child first. They just can’t do it.
Does that make what they did to you ok? NO. It does not.
Does that make what they are doing to and how they are treating your children ok? ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Having compassion for them does not excuse any of their unacceptable and abusive behavior.
What it does do however, is render them completely insignificant.
The energy expended on the narcissistic parent through having compassion for them, is exponentially less than anything related to anger or negatively charged emotions.
Now, you can refocus even the smallest amount of emotional energy that you would have wasted on being angry at the other parent to where it needs to be – to supporting your children.
There is a powerful quote I came across which speaks to this perfectly:
The truth is, there are arrows being shot at your children.
They are being sent home to you wounded and exhausted.
So are you going to continue to be angry and waste your energy yelling at the other parent for putting those arrows there in the first place? Or are you going to use every ounce of energy you have to help your children not only heal, but then also teach them how to dodge the next onslaught of arrows that will be coming their way?
Because unfortunately, the arrows are likely going to keep coming. There is no amount of communicating, negotiating, yelling, playing nice or prescribing to the narcissistic parent that is going to change that.
Your children have been dealt a questionable hand. They are growing up with one parent who just does not have the capacity to put their needs first.
Don't they deserve at least one parent who will??
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