7 Things Professionals May Hear When Children Are Experiencing Coercive Parenting

As professionals working with children and families, we are increasingly being trained to recognize coercive control within adult relationships.

The concept of coercive parenting however, receives far less attention, despite the fact that many professionals working with children and families encounter it regularly.

Part of the challenge is that coercive control inherently involves a power differential. That same power differential naturally exists between parents and children, making coercive parenting much more difficult to identify. As a result, coercive parenting can easily be mistaken for "strict parenting," "harsh discipline," or simply a parent's preferred approach to raising their child.

Historically, parenting style has often received less attention within family-serving systems. Many professionals have heard some version of:

"Parents are allowed to parent the way they want to parent."

To a degree, that is true. I am not suggesting that professionals should dictate how parents raise their children.

However, I do think it is worth asking a deeper question:

At what point does a parenting approach move beyond a difference in style and begin to create measurable harm for children?

Research has consistently demonstrated that some parenting approaches are associated with healthier developmental outcomes than others. If our role is to promote children's wellbeing, then understanding those differences becomes paramount.

In order to do that, we first need to understand how to recognize when a child is being parented in a way that supports their emotional and psychological development versus when they are being parented in a way that may undermine it.

A useful place to start is by comparing healthy parenting and coercive parenting.

Healthy parenting uses authority to guide, teach, and support a child's development.

Coercive parenting uses authority to secure compliance and maintain control.

It is also important to recognize that coercive parenting does not necessarily stem from a parent's desire to harm their child, although in some cases the parent may be aware of the impact their behavior is having, and continue it nonetheless.

In many cases, it develops from cultural expectations, intergenerational patterns, unresolved trauma, insecurity, a need for predictability, or a fear of losing control.

For some parents, maintaining power and control over those around them becomes the primary way they create a sense of safety for themselves.

The challenge is that what helps the parent feel safe can simultaneously undermine the child's sense of safety, autonomy, and healthy development.

This becomes particularly relevant when working with parents who operate in coercively controlling ways within other relationships as well.

Because coercive control is fundamentally about maintaining power and control, those behavioral patterns often do spill over into parenting.

Many professionals miss coercive parenting because they are looking for overt abuse.

Instead, what they see is structure, discipline, high expectations, consequences, and parental authority. Which in and of themselves are important components of healthy parenting.

Hence, although healthy parenting and coercive parenting can sometimes look similar from the outside, the difference lies in the intention behind the structure.

Healthy parenting seeks to support the child's development, through discipline and high expectations which are met with warmth, empathy, support, connection and safety.

Coercive parenting seeks to maintain the parent's power and control as a means to keep themselves safe.

That distinction is critical.

When we begin looking beyond the presence of rules, discipline, and consequences, and instead examine the purpose they serve, coercive parenting becomes easier to identify.

With that lens in mind, if you hear parents or children describing experiences like the following, it may be worth exploring whether coercive parenting is present:

1. "There is no discussion. What I say goes."

In coercive parenting, the parent-child relationship is top-down. The parent dictates, and child listens.

Rules are not explained. Questions are viewed as challenges to authority instead of an opportunity to learn. Collaboration and age-appropriate input are not allowed.

The goal is obedience rather than understanding.

2. "Love feels earned."

The child experiences affection, approval, or connection as conditional.

They learn that in order to be cared for they must behave in a specific way, perform and meet the expectations of the parent and be highly compliant.

Rather than feeling accepted for who they are, children learn they must earn love by behaving in a way that is acceptable to the parent.

3. "The punishment doesn't fit the mistake."

The expectations placed on the child are often unrealistic or developmentally inappropriate.

When the child inevitably falls short of those expectations, consequences can become severe, prolonged, or unrelated to the behavior itself.

For example, if a child is picking at their scabbed knee after being told not to, is the child supported with “I know it’s itchy, and it can be really hard to leave it alone and let it heal. If it keeps bothering you, come find me and we’ll clean it up again and find a fun band-aid to put on it” or is the child being told “I told you to stop once, and you didn’t listen. Now you are grounded for 3 months”.

If professionals are hearing situations like this, I would encourage you to ask:

Is this consequence helping the child learn, or helping the parent feel in control?

4. "Mistakes are treated as defiance."

Healthy parents generally view mistakes as opportunities for guidance and growth.

Coercive parents are more likely to interpret mistakes as evidence of disrespect, opposition, or deliberate non-compliance.

Normal childhood behavior becomes personalized as an intentional slight against the parent.

5. "They know better."

Children forget things. Children make mistakes. Children become distracted.

Yet instead of seeing these as opportunities to provide further support and guidance, the coercive parent often interprets these experiences as intentional acts directed toward them.

The narrative becomes:

• "They knew better."

• "They did this to upset me."

• "They did this on purpose."

The focus shifts away from the child's developmental reality and needs and toward the parent's interpretation of the behavior and emotional experience of it.

6. "I can’t be myself."

Children need opportunities to develop their own preferences, opinions, interests, and identity. And often times, these end up being different from the parent, which in healthy parenting is ideally encouraged and supported.

Within coercive parenting, individuality is often experienced as a threat to parental authority. It is not uncommon for children to have little say over even relatively minor things such as hairstyle or what style of clothes they like.

The child's own authenticity and self-expression becomes secondary to compliance.

7. "Because I said so."

Perhaps one of the most overlooked features of coercive parenting is that critical thinking is strongly discouraged.

Alternative perspectives are dismissed as ill-informed or uneducated, and the child learns that it’s best for them to agree with and believe what the parent believes.

Over time children learn that their opinions don’t matter and will not be considered.

Agreement becomes safer than curiosity, and compliance becomes safer than authenticity.

Research has consistently shown that coercive parenting can have significant long-term impacts on children's emotional and psychological development.

Children learn that:

• compliance is safer than authenticity

• obedience is valued over curiosity

• mistakes are dangerous

• love is conditional

• their thoughts and feelings matter less than keeping their parent happy

Over time, many children become highly attuned to the emotional states of others while becoming increasingly disconnected from themselves and their own needs.

The primary attachment drive children have is to stay connected to their caregiver.

Connection ensures survival.

Therefore, children learn to do whatever it takes to sustain that connection even at the cost of their own self-esteem, self-efficacy, sense of agency and autonomy.

Children are remarkably skilled at learning what is required to maintain connection, avoid punishment, and preserve emotional safety within a relationship.

Within high-conflict family dynamics, professionals may interpret this compliance and obedience as the child feeling safe and secure.

However, compliance does not necessarily indicate security or healthy emotional regulation for that matter.

Sometimes it reflects adaptation. Adaptation to their environment in order to stay safe, and connected to their caregiver and as professionals, it is important that we do not mistake obedience for attachment or compliance for wellbeing.

When questioning whether coercive parenting might be present in a parent-child relationship or not, perhaps the most important question is not whether a parent is strict.

The question is whether the parenting approach is supporting the child's emotional and psychological needs in a way that facilitates healthy growth and development, or hindering it altogether.

Because ultimately, healthy parenting is not about raising obedient children.

It is about creating the conditions in which children can safely develop into autonomous, confident, thoughtful, and the most authentic versions of themselves.